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As a psychic and as a priest, one of the questions I often must deal with is helping people to communicate in healthier ways. I have given this information to countless friends and clients. I hope it will bring clarity and understanding to your life and relationships. Active ListeningHow
to Speak So Others Hear
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Relationships - whether with lovers and spouses, or with co-workers, friends, family etc, -- tend to be challenging. Conflicts do happen. Active listening is a powerful mode of communication which is useful in finding the root of problems and solving them. It can take time and effort, but if these relationships are important to you, they are worth that effort. Here are the basic steps: 1) Tell the person that you are concerned regarding an issue. Tell them that if they are willing you would like to try this process because you care and wish to bring clarity and better communication. For maximum effect, explain the process below before beginning. 2) Assume that the other person has a good intent for their actions. Even if you do not understand what it is, or you don't agree with the way they are going after that intent. 3) Be aware that this process can take time if there are many issues, and be willing to do so. If need be, make a date for a time when both of you are not hurried. If there are many areas of conflict, try to focus on one problem at a time, though be aware that there may be bleed-over. 4) Be sure to maintain a gentle, caring and open vocal tone throughout the process. Remember to ground. 5) Ask them to tell you their side of it. This is very important. Letting them go first makes them more likely to listen to you. 6) You are in information gathering mode ONLY here. Listen with an open mind - really listen and refrain from preparing your rebuttal. You will get your turn. Refrain from telling them why you disagree with them or why they might be wrong. 7) Instead remember that all communication is a hallucination and that we cannot see into each others heads - no matter how psychic we are, we still have our own filters in the way. Therefore, when a point comes up, restate it in your own words, saying, "What I think you're saying is this - is that correct? Because I want to understand." 8) When they say, "No you're crazy. That's not what I said!" (and they will) ask them to explain. Try to understand their thought process, their hopes and fears. Try to understand their good intent that led to the situation. 9) When, and only when, they are 300% satisfied that you understand them, THEN it is your turn to explain your feelings/needs/hopes/fears/intents. Ask them, since you have listened with an open mind to them, to be willing to return the favor. 10) Do not lay blame. Instead state your feelings as: "When X action occurs, I feel Y." For example, "When you don't call me and let me know your plans, I feel worried about your safety and I feel confused because I don't know whether to make dinner or not." 11) If they are not picking up on the technique, ask them, "I am not sure I'm explaining myself well. Can you tell me what you hear me saying?" 12) When and ONLY when both of you feel that the other person fully understands you, THEN go into problem solving mode. As any real solutions must to take into account the needs of both parties, premature solving may only create more problems. Once both sides have spoken and are understood, the solutions are often clear and compromise can be reached. When there is clear communication there will also be willingness to create a mutually healthy solution. 13) Be willing to compromise. Be open and loving. Realize that in the course of healing you may have to take the small wounds of the other person's anger and the fear that they may be correct. One of the finest priestesses I know, taught me that if you want to end a war, you need to be willing to drop your weapons and step onto the battlefield stark naked and weaponless. Be willing to admit that you might be wrong. We all make mistakes. That's why we're incarnating in a mode which allows us to explore intrapersonal relationships. Realize that the other person is a lesson in your life and be brave and willing to face the challenge of communicating with them. Sometimes we get angry. Sometimes we feel wounded and want to hurt others. Sometimes we are afraid of being wounded and attack first to protect ourselves. I ask you this - what is important to you here? Is being wounded and creating wounds what you want? Or do you want to create a healthy loving relationship with room for both of you to grow? If you want the latter, that will take courage, gentleness, honesty and a willingness to compromise. I think you are up to the challenge, but the choice is yours. For more information on communication and relationships, check out Speaking One Language: Using Modalities to Improve Communication. Here is an excellent tape set and book which teaches the Active Listening process in detail. And here is another useful book from this author:
Before we can gain clairity in our relationships, it often helps to deal with our personal issues. One of the things which can create enormous pain in our selves and our relationship is when anger - a healthy emotioned designed to help us create boundaries - is not utilized well, and stews until it becomes rage. This fine book can help understand and release your anger.
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